dear american apparel:

please explain to me the fascination with sheer fabrics. last time i checked, showing your aereolas in public will get you arrested, particularly if you are a female. the lace you feel you need to throw in my face constantly reminds me of my grandmothers doilies and, quite frankly i wouldn't want to touch that shit with a twenty-foot pole, let alone wear it proudly as a onesie.
that's another point i'd like to make: snaps in my cooter are uncomfortable. they always have been. i remember having to wear those things as a kid in my attempt at dance classes and i remember the agony it was to sit down. men would have the same problem, so my challenge to you, dear american apparel, is that you make a snap-crotched onesie for men and see how they like their taint pinched by metal snaps. i understand that there are non-snap versions, as well as thong bummed ones (which, may i comment, are fucking ridiculous in the fact that i really want to wear it outside my clothing) but the whole institution of these jazzercise outfits boggles my mind. who in their right mind would actually want to be stuck in that lycra/cotton contraption?
furthermore, my argument over the 'sac' dress stands that it is the most confounded contraption to come along since the invention of the cotton gin. last time i tried one of these 'dresses' (i use the term loosely since i'm not entirely sure what the fuck this is) i was supplied with an instruction manual on various ways i could wear the dress. i could wear the ties as a sash after arfully twining them around my neck, or i could make a halter/empire waist with them. all i could manage was to make something that resembled a poor excuse for a toga and still have twenty feet of string still left hanging limply around my neck. could i use it as a scarf perhaps? a leash? until the dress is explained and properly shaped, i stand behind my argument that unless i know how to put on/wear the article of clothing, it's the stupidest thing i've ever seen. i think this is an apropo summary of aforementioned article of clothing.
my last point will be to your high waisted pants/shorts. yes, the eighties came back with avengence last season, and the season prior. i saw more 'frankie says relax' shirts on my campus than i saw people in my classes. but that's not the point. the point is that your high waisted bottoms are hideous. everyone that wears them looks ridiculous. i saw a 13 year-old girl wearing bronze hot pants at the movies the other night and while it wasn't climately appropriate to wear shorts that short, they looked stupid. i didn't know whether to point and laugh or ask her if she wanted to become a man a la rocky from rocky horror picture show (if you don't know what i'm talking about you can touch yourself in the dark, fyi). it doesn't really matter what body type you have, i still think these pants are unflattering and unattractive. they make everyone pear shaped. i have the straightest body line out of anyone i know and i look like a bottom heavy bowling-pin when i wear these ridiculous things. please, for the love of everyones self esteem, think before you supply the hipster nation with yet another acid washed abomination of high waisted glory.

despite what i may say, i love your store. i think i own almost every colour of the summer shirt and have started collecting your classic zip ups, both long sleeved and no sleeved like an avid baseball card pack rat. your accessories and nail polish make me incredibly happy. i truly appreciated the naked man towel you offered in the summer. keep doing what you're doing and i'll keep buying whatever shit you throw at me with the exception of everything i've complained about here.

thank you for your time.

sincerely,

concerned hipster.

b; old enough to know better; attached.
college student of historical events, future educator. canadienne. i like to read, but i don't do it enough. i run. i like zombies. i'm obsessed with all things batman, except not batfleck. i'm a terrible video game player, but i'm getting better through attrition. i can play piano pretty good, though. the sound of city streets soothes me, but i love the silence of the forest. curious stargazer.

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dear american apparel:

please explain to me the fascination with sheer fabrics. last time i checked, showing your aereolas in public will get you arrested, particularly if you are a female. the lace you feel you need to throw in my face constantly reminds me of my grandmothers doilies and, quite frankly i wouldn't want to touch that shit with a twenty-foot pole, let alone wear it proudly as a onesie.
that's another point i'd like to make: snaps in my cooter are uncomfortable. they always have been. i remember having to wear those things as a kid in my attempt at dance classes and i remember the agony it was to sit down. men would have the same problem, so my challenge to you, dear american apparel, is that you make a snap-crotched onesie for men and see how they like their taint pinched by metal snaps. i understand that there are non-snap versions, as well as thong bummed ones (which, may i comment, are fucking ridiculous in the fact that i really want to wear it outside my clothing) but the whole institution of these jazzercise outfits boggles my mind. who in their right mind would actually want to be stuck in that lycra/cotton contraption?
furthermore, my argument over the 'sac' dress stands that it is the most confounded contraption to come along since the invention of the cotton gin. last time i tried one of these 'dresses' (i use the term loosely since i'm not entirely sure what the fuck this is) i was supplied with an instruction manual on various ways i could wear the dress. i could wear the ties as a sash after arfully twining them around my neck, or i could make a halter/empire waist with them. all i could manage was to make something that resembled a poor excuse for a toga and still have twenty feet of string still left hanging limply around my neck. could i use it as a scarf perhaps? a leash? until the dress is explained and properly shaped, i stand behind my argument that unless i know how to put on/wear the article of clothing, it's the stupidest thing i've ever seen. i think this is an apropo summary of aforementioned article of clothing.
my last point will be to your high waisted pants/shorts. yes, the eighties came back with avengence last season, and the season prior. i saw more 'frankie says relax' shirts on my campus than i saw people in my classes. but that's not the point. the point is that your high waisted bottoms are hideous. everyone that wears them looks ridiculous. i saw a 13 year-old girl wearing bronze hot pants at the movies the other night and while it wasn't climately appropriate to wear shorts that short, they looked stupid. i didn't know whether to point and laugh or ask her if she wanted to become a man a la rocky from rocky horror picture show (if you don't know what i'm talking about you can touch yourself in the dark, fyi). it doesn't really matter what body type you have, i still think these pants are unflattering and unattractive. they make everyone pear shaped. i have the straightest body line out of anyone i know and i look like a bottom heavy bowling-pin when i wear these ridiculous things. please, for the love of everyones self esteem, think before you supply the hipster nation with yet another acid washed abomination of high waisted glory.

despite what i may say, i love your store. i think i own almost every colour of the summer shirt and have started collecting your classic zip ups, both long sleeved and no sleeved like an avid baseball card pack rat. your accessories and nail polish make me incredibly happy. i truly appreciated the naked man towel you offered in the summer. keep doing what you're doing and i'll keep buying whatever shit you throw at me with the exception of everything i've complained about here.

thank you for your time.

sincerely,

concerned hipster.