Thursday, December 31, 2009
3:09 PM ● ugh

now, normally i wouldn't spout off about my troubles. normally i just keep them to myself. i don't put them on the internet because you can never know just who's reading this.
so you automatically should piece together that this is so incredibly important to me.

now i'll just gloss over the non-issues, like most of high school, so you can get the gist of what i'm trying to explain. it's actually rather inexplicable but i'll do my best not to be overly cryptic.

so a girl meets a boy. and she's pretty sure from that second on that she's going to fall in love with him. he borrows her yellow pencil crayon and makes a huge deal over making sure he returns it. it's endearing. the pair never really talks much, because the girl is incredibly shy and the boy is just wayyy too nice. not to mention the girl is developing this stupid crush on him and his 6ft yellow sweater wearing frame.
as a freshman in high school nothing much happens. they don't socialize in the same circles. she has one class with one of his best friends and they talk, a little, about this boy. but they mostly focus on trying not to burn themselves with the autobody torches.

grade 11 changes everything. he's in her gym class. he's in her english class. he dates one of her best friends. his best friend is one of the girls' best friends since they're almost the same person just with different genetalia. the fact that their birthdays are days apart just makes it more surreal. the girl still has a stupid crush on the boy, but it's getting worse as the days progress. she's thinking she could most certainly be in love with him and she can't stop herself from falling just that extra bit further when they sit in her car one snowy night and he eats chocolate squares with a mustard inside. he loves mustard, you see. the boy is goofy, and child-like and irrational where the girl tries to be spontaneous and free spirited, but has her life planned out to a 't'. he watches her play rugby and is so enthralled by her tenacity when really, she never plays like she did the day he watched. it was for him. she watches him play basketball and helps him break up with his girlfriend-- he has no guts, you see. life seems to bring them closer together without reason. he'd never be interested in her.

that summer, the pair of them spend every second they're not working together, much to his friends chagrin. and her friends don't really like him either, so they get a lot of flack for wanting to spend more time together. they message each other until he goes to sleep every night. they don't talk about anything in particular, they just talk. it's this weird feeling of a platonic relationship that isn't platonic. the girl knows for sure that something needs to happen.

finally grade 12. nothing spectacular. they've grown up together and still have the same relationship they've always had. the most memorable graduation photo in the girls mind is one she never got to see, and will regret that for a few years. it was a picture of the boy and the girl, the boy sitting on a table, the girl standing in between his legs, their arms wrapped around each other in a tight embrace. they looked happy. his girlfriend, did not.
they get drunk at grad, or at least the girl does, and she procedes to act like a moron. she takes a picture with her licking his face. he does not look phased in the photo, he looks like he's laughing. but he's not looking at the girl.
she'll notice this later.

the years go on and they maintain a terse friendship: he goes off to play volleyball at the local university and she does her own thing, working for a year and then trying her hand in different post-secondary institutions. they see each other occasionally but at best it's once or twice a year.
until the year they both turned 21. things changed then. or so the girl hoped the didn't.

it was their last day of classes. no more books, and a few days before their first exams. the boy and the girl decide to go out for drinks on night. drinks turned into pitchers, pitchers turned into shots. they went to the casino and he tried his hand at the slots and won. beginners luck. they were both incredibly drunk by the time they had left the first bar and were continuing on in the same vein. they tried to get pizza, but nothing would be open on a wednesday night at 2am. they settled for mcdonalds and a stroll through a park that would bring back so many memories together. they finish a mickey of rum together in the car, talking about his impending marriage. the girl knows that although he's currently not seeing the girl he'd been seeing since high school, that those two will probably get married. the girl almost cries at the fact that she knows she won't be invited to the wedding. the boy reassures her that he'll invite her personally.
they get out of the car to pee, and he crosses a barrier that had been invisible, but there, for years. he made physical contact.
the girls heart speeds up and her breathing hitches as he carries her bridal style back to the car. at the time, it would be the most romantic gesture she'd ever experienced.
one thing lead to another and the physical touching barrier all but disappears. they kiss. it was everything the girl imagined. she doesn't care at this point if he feels the same feelings she does, she wants him.
there, that night, changed everything.
that girl saw every part of him, and he her. in the end, it would be the girl that stopped. she couldn't allow herself to get any closer to this boy. she'd spent the last 2 years fighting to get over him, and here she was remembering him all to well under him.
she drove home and waited until he was in his house before she broke down. she'd never cried so much over him in years. there was no point to tears for him... he would never, ever feel the same about her.
thankfully, he left for a 6 week trip to europe the next day.
he was cordial when they spoke, he was curious about her summer. she couldn't understand why.... things should be incredibly awkward between them. why couldn't he just leave well enough alone?
they didn't talk for months.
then last night, the girl messaged the boy, a simple message with a simple question. she wasn't expecting a response.
he got back to her immediately.
casually she asked him out for drinks in the new year, an olive branch as it were to the boy she fights constantly to stop loving.

i can't believe it's been almost 7 years and i still can't walk away... this boy better mean something in the end.

xxxxxx

(live)