however. well, of course cleaning means making a bigger mess. then sorting through shit you no longer need and or want.

basically thinning out your life.

i had a bunch of note books in my bookshelf that i was sure were just taking up space. so i started reading them... holy shit.

talk about throw back.

a lot of them are from high school. back in the day, as i like to joke. the glory days. but enough about that... there's bigger fish to fry in this barrel.

as i continued reading i kept finding little snippets of my stupidity, or as i like to call him degan. some go back as far as early '05. over 4 years ago.

so here is where i step off. i figure almost over 6 years in total is good enough. there's just nowhere else to go from here. it's not going to be easy, not that i'll try too hard either, but mark my words i will try. it's been too long and i'm just used to feeling that way about him. so it ends. now.

i've taken out all the pages that remind me of him. they're going away. i was thinking of being symbolic and throwing them out in vegas... but i think a good old burning will suffice for the time being. chances are if i took them to vegas i wouldn't throw them out anyways. a summer apart will be beneficial for me. i'm going to work hard at improving me. you can do whatever it is you do... you mentioned something about being in barcelona. i hope you find what you're looking for. not like you know what that is, but i'm sure it'll find you. you have good luck like that.

as i kept reading and reading i got more nostalgic. the writing was always so cryptic but as soon as i read it i could feel the same emotions i wrote down at the time. some of the inside jokes have been lost, some of the times are a bit hazy with time. but one of the passages really got to me. it's high school stupidity at it's finest... but it really sums it up.

"i can't get over the fact you still get to me after all this time. keep doing whatever it is you do... and you'll always have me. forever and always. i'll always keep you locked up in my heart as the boy i remember, the boy who stole my heart-- no matter what you'll become.

much love always,

b."

seriously. i'm done with this. this bleeding heart is being cauterized. i'm evicting you out of my heart. i'm forgetting you. this will be the very last time i allow myself to sit here and reminise about the times i'm sure you've already forgotten. that's just how you are. that's just how i was.

but no longer.

thanks for the memories. they were great while they lasted. but until i know for certain that this is permanent, i have to let you go for good. nothing good will ever come out of it.

i'm holding on to a memory that's already gone.

however. well, of course cleaning means making a bigger mess. then sorting through shit you no longer need and or want.

basically thinning out your life.

i had a bunch of note books in my bookshelf that i was sure were just taking up space. so i started reading them... holy shit.

talk about throw back.

a lot of them are from high school. back in the day, as i like to joke. the glory days. but enough about that... there's bigger fish to fry in this barrel.

as i continued reading i kept finding little snippets of my stupidity, or as i like to call him degan. some go back as far as early '05. over 4 years ago.

so here is where i step off. i figure almost over 6 years in total is good enough. there's just nowhere else to go from here. it's not going to be easy, not that i'll try too hard either, but mark my words i will try. it's been too long and i'm just used to feeling that way about him. so it ends. now.

i've taken out all the pages that remind me of him. they're going away. i was thinking of being symbolic and throwing them out in vegas... but i think a good old burning will suffice for the time being. chances are if i took them to vegas i wouldn't throw them out anyways. a summer apart will be beneficial for me. i'm going to work hard at improving me. you can do whatever it is you do... you mentioned something about being in barcelona. i hope you find what you're looking for. not like you know what that is, but i'm sure it'll find you. you have good luck like that.

as i kept reading and reading i got more nostalgic. the writing was always so cryptic but as soon as i read it i could feel the same emotions i wrote down at the time. some of the inside jokes have been lost, some of the times are a bit hazy with time. but one of the passages really got to me. it's high school stupidity at it's finest... but it really sums it up.

"i can't get over the fact you still get to me after all this time. keep doing whatever it is you do... and you'll always have me. forever and always. i'll always keep you locked up in my heart as the boy i remember, the boy who stole my heart-- no matter what you'll become.

much love always,

b."

seriously. i'm done with this. this bleeding heart is being cauterized. i'm evicting you out of my heart. i'm forgetting you. this will be the very last time i allow myself to sit here and reminise about the times i'm sure you've already forgotten. that's just how you are. that's just how i was.

but no longer.

thanks for the memories. they were great while they lasted. but until i know for certain that this is permanent, i have to let you go for good. nothing good will ever come out of it.

i'm holding on to a memory that's already gone.